How About A Pageant?

Can't we just pretend to dress up the naked Boy Emperor and his Boyz in some fancy uniforms like Idi Amin and throw a big parade and bow down to their huge swinging machismo and just skip all the actual killing? I'd do it gladly if it would cure these frustrated eunuchs of their need to prove their manhood. Clearly, they didn't get the yellow ribbon treatment after fighting the Battle of Bureaucracy to "win" the cold war, so they desperately need some affirmation that they are the true heroes of their time. Fine.

But what with everything else about this administration being such total bullshit, I'm sure nobody would even notice if we just skipped the war and went directly to the ceremonies and parades. How about we just put on a pageant?


MOSS
What do we have that they want?

BREAN
"Freedom."

MOSS
Why would they want that?

HAKAN
They're Oppressed.

MOSS
No, no, no. Fuck Freedom. No. Fuck Freedom.
They.... They Want... They Want To Destroy the Godless
Satan of the United ... They want to destroy our Way of
Life. Okay, okay, okay, could we ... okay: the
President is in China. He is dealing with a Dispatch
of the B-2 Bomber to Albania. Why?
(HE SHRUGS, HOLDS UP HIS HANDS, TO SAY,
"YOU TELL ME...")

AMES
Alright, well, alright: geopolitically...

MOSS GESTURES FOR SILENCE.

MOSS
We've just found out They Have the Bomb. We've Just
Found Out They Have The Bomb, aaaand... No, No wait a
second, no, no, wait a second, No. The Bomb's not...
it's not there -- because they'd have to have a
rocket and that shit n'they're a buncha wogs-- it's ...
it's a suitcase Bomb. Ooookay. It's a suitcase bomb,
and it's .... in Canada! Eh? Albanian Terrorists have
placed a suitcase Bomb in Canada, in an attempt to
infiltrate the bomb into the USA.

AMES
You know what? This is good. This is terrific, and
I'll tell you why: it's cost effective. This is....

MOSS
(SHRUGS)
It's producing.





Unfortunately, we're going to inflict "Shock and Awe" instead.




BREAN
We remember the slogans, we can't even remember the
fucking wars. Y'know why. Cause it's show business.
That's why I'm here. Naked girl, covered in Napalm.
Five marines Raising the Flag, Mount Suribachi.
Churchill, V for Victory, Y'remember the Picture, fifty
years from now, they'll have forgotten the war. Gulf
War? Smart Bomb, falling through the roof. 2500
missions a day, 100 days, One Shot of One Bomb. The
American people bought that war. M'I getting through
to you? War in the Balkans, don't mean nothing, till
some G.I. flyer, went down, Eating Snakes for Ten days.
It's show business, Mister Moss.