Unconfirmed Sources reports that The President will name convicted murder Charles Manson to head the government's Office for Victims of Crime. The appointment, yet another in a string of bold personal choices by the President, should have Manson installed in his new office in time for National Crime Victims' Rights Week, April 10-16, 2005.

Joe Biden: I was overjoyed when I heard the news. Chuck is a solid choice for the position. I've known Chas for years and I don't know anyone who has a longer or more distinguished career in the criminal area. And talk about management skills - WOW! The terrorist have got to know that we've got some terrifying people working for us too and Charles Manson is the man for the job.

Joe Lieberman: Bottom line, I like it when the President kisses me. It makes me all tingly inside.

Hillary Clinton: Crime is certainly an area where we need to roll up our sleeves and do what the American people want us to do. I stand by the President and share his concern about crime in America. I don't always agree with his choices, but I also don't always say WHAT I disagree with when I disagree with the choices that I am disagreeing with. At the same time, I STRONGLY stand with the President in his RIGHT to make the choices that he makes. Even so, I would like to inject a note of criticism in this particular choice which I am not going to explain further at this time.

John Kerry: President Bush has made an excellent choice for this position which I strongly disagree with. Its wrong for America.

Harry Reid: Look, I've got work to do, so please, just shut up.

Howard Dean: Shut your damn pie-holes. None of you is going to be President - got it? AEEEHAAAAAA!!