If there is one thing that makes conservatives absolutely crazy (besides liberals and poor people and homosexuals and government and brown people and Social Security and Medicare and abortion and science and intellectuals with their so-called “knowledge” and clean air and clean water and good looking women who won’t sleep with them probably because they’re dykes, yeah, that’s it and foreigners with their weird not-english languages and. oh yeah, sarcasm thatalways seems to be directed at them and then there’s Hollywood and hip hop music and how Dateline and that snoopy busybody Chris Hansen have made it almost impossible to find a date online and also that Kenyan muslim President guy who is very annoying because … did I mention that he’s black?) it’s the fact that conservatives can’t pry the youth of America away from their tattoos and their texting and casual swapping of STD’s long enough to teach them about how awesome America is. But you know what kids like? They like mid-tempo fist-pumping patriotic rock music that middle-aged pot-bellied white guys in stretched out Tom Petty Damn the Torpedoes t-shirts practice on their slightly out-of-tune guitars in the garage on Saturday afternoons because, hey, fifty-three isn’t too old to be hailed as the future of rock and roll, is it?
Well, yeah it is.
But that hasn’t stop budding Don Kirchner-wannabe Richard Mgrdechian from putting together The Next Big Thing:
My company, Purple Eagle Entertainment is looking for an awesome rock vocalist (age 21 – 40) to be the front man and lead singer for a new pro-American rock band we formed to record an album of original compositions and begin a national tour later this year. The ideal person should be extremely passionate about patriotic causes and have an in-depth knowledge of politics. The band is made up of world class rock musicians. A long term contract and signing bonus is available. A $1,000 fee is available to the person who refers us to the singer we sign on for this.