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Friday, June 20, 2003

Digby Phone Home

Reports of my death, deportation, incarceration (and sex change operation…?) are highly exaggerated. My apologies for not leaving word and heartfelt thanks to those of you who wrote e-mails and comments.

In fact, I am alive and well and returned from a journey into the heart of darkness of George W. Bush’s America. Eschewing my pansy-assed effete internet habit for a time, I stupidly got myself hooked on the hard stuff and ended up ripped out of my mind on Rush's AM Ecstasy. Living on burnt meat and raw porn, Fox news and liberal bashing, my mind devolved into an altered state of consciousness, awash in arrogance and testosterone, transformed into the hostile fugue state of the talk radio junkie.

After the first couple of days of painful cognitive dissonance, the sheer confidence and daring of Right wing propaganda started to work on my subconscious. And, I tell you, it was a relief, a fucking holiday from the frustration, confusion and lightheadedness I associate with trying to limn “reality” these days, just letting my id take over. Critical thinking is for losers. See, RushBillSavageSean remove doubt and free your mind. All you have to do is join the team, and suddenly everything makes sense again.

This drug is potent. A quick hit of Rush in the morning and you’re sure of yourself and the world around you. You feel strong. You look like a winner. You are on top.

In this era of post modern politics and surreal media tidal waves, this is a drug that brings clarity to a confusing world. It’s intoxicating in its simplicity. Unlike the faggoty “nuanced” Democrats, the Republicans (or Real Americans) are providing a road map through the maze of conflicting quick-cut images and babbling 10 second soundbites that pass for “news.” If you listen to AM talkradio or watch FoxNews the strange feeling of living in an alternate reality melts away. They have the answers.

And like a thunderbolt from on high, you quickly realize that the single most important truth in life is that the Democratic Party is the only thing standing between you and perfect All-American happiness. Democrats are weak yet powerful, evil yet impotent, stupid yet cunning, useless, dangerous and insane all at once. Liberal Democrats (which they all are --- liberal, that is) aka “the Left”, “Hollywood,” “elitists,” “homosexuals,” “feminists,” “environmentalists,” “ PC Police” etc. are, quite simply, tools of Satan.

If you listen to Rush and his Boyz in the (wrinkle-free, 250 thread count percale) Hood, over time you will come to realize that there is no problem that will not instantly be solved on the day the last Democrat in America cries uncle and the Party ceases to exist. Only then will there be the Republican utopia of gun-toting, Gawd fearing millionaires, no taxes and a big, huge, gas hogging Hummer (you know what I'm talkin' about, now) in every garage.

But, until the joyous day of the Democratic Party’s Gotterdamerung, Real Americans must remain vigilant and ever ready to smite the unbelievers one by one, using any means necessary. Liberals are the sick and depraved virus that keep REAL MEN ---and the women who crochet their codpieces --- from becoming the rich and powerful Masters of the Universe that Jesus has anointed them to be.

Yup, there is some powerful mojo out there in the land of the free and the home of the brave. Alls ya gots ta do to get in on the party is listen up. The Mighty Wurlitzer’s got talent on loan from G-O-D.

And, the beautiful thing is that you can feed your monkey anywhere at any time of the day just by turning that radio dial. Even down at the Goodyear tire store or the DMV or the pharmacy or the car pool on the way to work, you can be assured that your RushSeanSavageBillNeal fix is right there if you only perk up your ears. It’s the jungle drum of middle America, relentless and ever present. The good stuff is on tap and free to all takers and once you get a little taste it’s pretty sure you’re going to come back for more. It feels so good to be suuure and strong and IN CONTROL.

I’m only back from the brink because I went online looking for the recipe of a drink called a “Down the (Orrin) Hatch” I had at the Jenna Bush wet t-shirt Sunday school fundraiser on Father’s Day. (It’s two parts ephedra to one part caffeine free-diet coke, by the way.) Anyway, I happened upon this site and suddenly my system was flooded with adrenaline, my mind filled with fragmented memories of a time before when I questioned the holy goodness of My Dear Leader.

I broke out in a cold sweat as I started madly clicking through the blogroll like a crazy person. I went here, and here and here and here--- places where people were criticizing my Commander in Chief – in fact he’s considered a virtual idiot by most! There were places where Republicans weren't thought infallible, places where people were bemused and didn’t understand why 40% of Americans believe that the military had found WMD in Iraq … (“My God,” I thought, “who the hell has them, then?”)

I got dizzy and fell to my knees. I crawled across the floor, desperate to turn on the radio and I couldn’t… quite…reach… it…

When I awoke, several hours or several days later, (I still don’t know how long I was out) I was safely in the bosom of my people – detoxed, cleansed in body, mind and spirit. I am back to my old self – raging at the television, compulsively reading foreign newspapers searching for information rather than entertainment and yes, using ever more foul language to describe the supine sword swallowing circus freaks we call "journalists." I’m confused again, worried about a country that will, apparently, believe anything if it makes them feel good for the moment, wondering if we are actually, finally, rejecting modernism and the Enlightenment in favor of a po-mo, faith-based, fragmented, focus-group distorted mirror of reality. I’m moody, befuddled and mad.

In other words, I’m back. Blogovia saved me. Thanks, guys.