Some modest proposals for Arizona lawmakers, by @DavidOAtkins

Some modest proposals for Arizona lawmakers

by David Atkins

Now that the Arizona House of Representatives has passed (and the Arizona Senate Judiciary Committee has endorsed) a making it easier to fire employees who use birth control for dirty, dirty sex rather than other medical reasons, it seems germane to ask if the fine lawmakers in Arizona might be missing other great ideas to increase the religious liberty of their job creator class.

After all, starting with contraception is a strange choice considering that it doesn't appear anywhere in the Bible. There are other things that do, however. The rights of employers to ensure that their employees follow religious moral codes should not be infringed in any way.

First off, far too many employers in Arizona are forced to accept the tyrannical imposition of paying employees who consume foods explicitly banned by their religion. Arizona legislators need to begin by allowing employers to test for shrimp and shellfish consumption if any employee requests coverage for food poisoning, lest they be forced to employ those in violation of Leviticus 11:9-12. If necessary, this testing could be expanded to cover eagles, vultures, ravens, owls, pelicans and bats per Leviticus 11:13-17.

Too many employers are also left wondering if their employees are clean when they come to work. Leviticus 15:16-18 reminds us that "if a man has a seminal emission, he shall bathe all his body in water and be unclean until evening. As for any garment or any leather on which there is seminal emission, it shall be washed with water and be unclean until evening. If a man lies with a woman so that there is a seminal emission, they shall both bathe in water and be unclean until evening." If employees wish for health insurance to cover rashes, infections or sexually trasmitted diseases of any sort, employers must be allowed to install bedroom and bathroom cameras in their employees' residences to ensure that proper bathing after sex, masturbation and noctural emissions occurs before their arrival at the workplace, and that such uncleanliness was not the cause of their need to rely on employer-funded health insurance. And, of course, no STD treatments as a result of pre-marital sex, homosexual sex or especially adultery should be covered if the employer does not wish it, per Leviticus 20:10 and elsewhere.

Moreover, it is an unconscionable imposition on religious freedom for employers to be forced to cover health insurance for pregnancy and childbirth unless the employee submit proof that the child was conceived in wedlock. Employers must be allowed to demand genetic testing of both spouse and infant, as well as documentation of marriage license and time of conception. It's also important to note Leviticus 12:1-6 which clearly states: When a woman gives birth and bears a male child, then she shall be unclean for seven days, as in the days of her menstruation she shall be unclean. On the eighth day the flesh of his foreskin shall be circumcised. Then she shall remain in the blood of her purification for thirty-three days; she shall not touch any consecrated thing, nor enter the sanctuary until the days of her purification are completed. But if she bears a female child, then she shall be unclean for two weeks, as in her menstruation; and she shall remain in the blood of her purification for sixty-six days." Unless employers can be assured with sworn witnesses that any female employees giving birth to female children have remained in the "blood of their purification" for over two months, they should not be obligated to cover the costs of childbirth. This is common sense.

Further, if any employee wishes their health insurance to cover any sort of facial laceration, the employer must have the right to be assured that the injury was in no way associated with shaving, as Leviticus 19:27 clearly proscribes trimming even the edges of beards. Insurance covering tattoo removal is definitely out, as Leviticus 19:28 forbids them in the first place. Any employee with a secret and unnoticed tattoo should be subject to no-fault firing the first time the employer sees it.

Obviously, no employer should be forced to cover any insurance for physical injury occurring on the Sabbath. To respect employers of the Jewish faith, employers must be allowed to fire any employee who uses health insurance to treat burn injuries on a Saturday.

Since several major religions forbid the eating of pork, employees must submit forms verified by a doctor's signature based on tests of stomach contents, to ensure that any treatment from trichinosis or food poisoning was not the result of foul pig consumption. Failure to do so should result in no-fault firing.

These are but a few modest proposals for the Arizona legislature to consider for the purpose of protecting religious freedom.

Oh, there's one last one, too. There absolutely must be an automatic impeachment trigger for every governor and legislator who violates the core moral precepts urged in Leviticus 19:33: ‘When a stranger resides with you in your land, you shall not do him wrong. 34 The stranger who resides with you shall be to you as the native among you, and you shall love him as yourself, for you were aliens in the land of Egypt; I am the LORD your God."

Pass that law, and I think all of Arizona's problems might be resolved in one glorious swoop of freedom.