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Hullabaloo


Sunday, October 28, 2012

 
My Plan for America

by David Atkins

My fellow Americans,

Before the invigorating election of 2012, it would never have occurred to me to run for President of these United States. I assumed with somewhat too much confidence that the job required a serious mind, a firm commitment to hard-nosed reality, and an ability to navigate complex budgetary and political issues.

I now know that to be false. Which leads me, a man with no name recognition and unqualified for the job, to feel comfortable in asking to lead this nation in 2016. This, despite my lack of eligibility due to age requirements because, as we all know, age requirements are just a number. Numbers are flexible.

I do this because, in light of the seriousness, sustainability and sensibility of the plan being offering by the Republican challenger in 2012, I feel prepared to offer the American People a better one:

1) Rather than a 20% across-the-board tax break for all Americans paid for with unspecified deductions, I offer a 100% tax break for all Americans. It will also be paid for just as credibly by eliminating deductions. But not most of the deductions people use. I'll hold those as sacrosanct. Trust me, I'm a numbers guy. It'll work. The math works.

2) In addition to 1,000 more battleships placed at D4, D5, F6 and points north, south, west and east of there somewhat, I will build a Death Star with facial recognition software and pin-point laser system to kill every single human on the Romney kill list, and to obliterate the wasteful Mars Curiosity Rover that is wasting our tax dollars. This will be unfunded, of course, because no amount of military spending is too big to preserve our freedom.

3) I also plan to deliver Universal Healthcare to replace the patchwork system currently in place. While I still plan to pay for this with deductions from my 100% tax break idea, keep in mind that it would be less expensive for America than voucherizing Medicare and putting Social Security into the stock market. My plan may not be the height of fiscal responsibility, but it's much more responsible than that silly idea.

4) In order to deal with climate change, I propose an Apollo Program for renewable energy to the tune of $5 trillion, which will pay for itself according to a formula I wrote on a napkin called the Atkins Curve. I call it Energy Supply Economics, or Sunshine Down Economics. As for disaster relief, I agree with Mitt Romney that we can afford to cut back on that--but in my plan, the only cutbacks would occur for hurricanes and tornadoes that strike wealthy, white Republican areas, as those folks are the only hard-working people in America. They should have no trouble rebuilding that, as they built it all themselves in the first place.

5) I will give every mother in America the opportunity to stay at home to raise her children, without risk of negative economic consequences. Also, every father, too. We need to do that for our kids.

6) Finally, I propose to give a $100 billion dollar reward from the federal treasury to anyone who can figure out how Mitt Romney's economic plans work. Because those are ridiculous, and I figure an entire cottage industry could be developed in parsing them and discovering a potentially brand-new mathematics.

But if none of that works for you, there is a sensible alternative.


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